Family Meetings
by Creedog VanDrey
Summary: The ongoing adventures of the ever-growing Bluth Family, told through a series of family meetings. Directly follows the series finale.
1. Warm Welcomes

Family Meetings: Chapter 1  
by Creedog VanDrey

Category: _Arrested Development_  
Genre: Humor  
Rating: T  
Language: English  
Summary: Michael and George Michael escape to Cabo for a little while, but can't resist returning back to the family.

A/N: I wrote a virtual Season 4, planning to do four episodes, but only got through two and a half episodes before realizing I couldn't finish it. This is intended as a rewrite of that virtual season, in the same style, but with shorter chapters. This will be a series of "family meetings" that tell of the ongoing insanities that invade the Bluths' lives.

* * *

Warm Welcomes

_This is the story of a wealthy family lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development._

_Michael Bluth, for the first time in his life, had finally escaped his family. _

Michael Bluth sits with his son George Michael in the _C-word_, the family yacht, passing the S.E.C. boats that were no doubt on their way to the _Queen Mary_.

_The S.E.C. had uncovered evidence that it was Lucille Bluth, not George, Sr. who was the real mastermind of the various crimes committed by the Bluth Company. They were easily able to capture the slow-moving ship and take down the queen. _

Several police officers tackle Tobias, who is wearing a women's pant suit and Stan Sitwell's wig.

_It would take them a while. _

They tackle Oscar and demand that he take them to his wife, believing him to be George, Sr.

"I'm Oscar!" Oscar screams before being hit by Officer Taylor's night stick, "Dot-com," he adds wearily.

They eventually corner Lucille at the helm. "Careful with me," she warns as she's being arrested, "my neck alone is worth more than your life."

_But it was Buster who was in the most precarious situation. _

Buster is treating water near the dock when a seal in a yellow bow tie surfaces, looking at him menacing.

"Come on!" he bellows as he starts to flail around. He accidentally hits the seal across the head. It whines pitifully and Buster rubs it across the head with the curve of its hook, "Oh, you're just scared, aren't you? Don't worry, I'll take you home and you can live in my bathtub and I'll call you… Sealy. Sealy Bluth."

_At that moment, Buster was saved by a handsome FBI agent who came to assist in the arrest of Lucille Bluth. _

A hunky FBI agent helps Buster into the boat.

_After explaining his situation, which the agent did not seem to find strange, he called in a forensic team to extract the hand, which unfortunately, had been digested down to bones. _

_Despite the unfortunately circumstances, Buster and Sealy would become the best of friends. Unfortunately, unlike what certain 90s family films would tell you, a bathtub is not a good place to keep a seal. Sealy, after being given a prosthetic fin, would be moved to Sea Land, where Buster visited him once a week. _

Buster reaches his prosthetic hand into the seal tank and Sealy bites the hand and yanks it off. He swims off without it, leaving Buster to fetch it out of the water. He is dragged away from the edge of the tank by several marine biologists.

_Michael, now safe in Cabo with his father and his son, is following the news about his mother. _

Three weeks later: The sign outside Cabo reads: "Bienvenidos a Cabo San Lucas: donde está cálido". This is translated as "Welcome to Cabo San Lucas: Where It's Warm (Hot)". The temperature is listed as "33". It is translated below as "91 (Hot)".

A Mexican newscaster, Juan Barbas, talks rapidly in Spanish with an unflattering picture of Lucille in the corner of the screen, her left eye closed. The three Bluth men watch with lowered eyebrows, uncomprehendingly.

"You know, it would have been smart for one of us to learn Spanish," George, Sr. comments.

_However, it was at that point that Michael discovered a compelling reason to return home. _

Michael's picture shows up on screen. Michael comments, "Okay, I can see that they've converted my portrait to grayscale and reduced the resolution to make me seem sinister. I'm guessing that they're looking for me."

George Michael becomes frightened, "But, Dad, we've fled to Mexico! Aren't you going to be in a lot of trouble?"

"I don't think so," Michael states confidently.

Two days later, Michael sits at a table with Bob Loblaw on his side and Wayne Jarvis on the opposing side.

"We've got you, Bluth. Embezzlement, conspiracy, fleeing the country."

_Michael would be let off easy, for he knew a loophole in the American legal system. _

"I will roll over on my mother."

"Don't say it like that," whispers Bob into Michael's ear.

Wayne prompts him, "And let me guess, you want immunity."

"Wayne, during my tenure with the Bluth Company, I committed no crimes, at least not anything near the magnitude that my parents did. I have full backups of all the computers. There should be more than enough to indict my mother."

"I can't believe you'd screw your own mother like that."

"Don't say it like that," Michael pleads, but Bob Loblaw cuts in.

"Drop all charges against my client and we will surrender all the backups. If you insist on bringing up charges, we will use them to bury you in court."

"You cannot withhold evidence!" Wayne declares.

"Read the Patriot Act!"

_Wayne was no fool. He released Michael, after which he and his son returned to his family, where Michael was welcomed warmly. _

Michael walks in to the model home and Lindsay leaps into his arms, screaming "Michael!" George Michael takes advantage of the distraction to run upstairs, not seeing Lindsay attempting to kiss her brother on the lips.

Michael pulls his head back, saying, "Lindsay, stop this. I'm not going to kiss you."

"Michael, you're gonna have to eventually. I said if I wasn't married by the end of the month, I'd sell all my shares to Dad Two."

"Dad Two?"

"Oh, yeah, you haven't heard. I got unofficially adopted—pre-adopted, you could say…"

"I wouldn't say that," Michael jumps in.

"…by Stan Sitwell, so I've taken to calling him Dad Two. By the way, we haven't seen Dad One in a while."

_George, Sr., Lindsay's "Dad One", elected to stay in Cabo after Michael left. _

Michael, Lindsay still cradled in his arms, turns to the living room where Tobias, GOB, and Buster are sitting. To Tobias, he asks, "Tobias, your wife is trying to leave you for your brother-in-law."

"Been there, done that," GOB joked, laughing at his own wit and raising his hand for a high-five; no one else laughs or high-fives him, and he sheepishly lowers his hand, trying to shrug it off as a stretch.

Tobias dramatically rises from the couch, "Well, Michael, my old lady and I have decided to cease our heterosexual coupling but remain parenting life partners. Alas, I am a confirmed bachelor now."

"You're already divorced?" Michael finally sets down his sister, who nonetheless keeps her hand on his forearm.

Lindsay replies, "Yeah, it took Barry all of a half an hour to process it. We're sharing all our possessions."

"Joint custody for Maeby?" prompts Michael.

"It didn't come up," Lindsay replies, causing Michael to roll his eyes.

_Michael believed that his sister had simply not paid attention during the proceedings, but the issue of Maeby's custody had not come up. _

Tobias approaches and tightly hugs Michael, who has to twist his head away to prevent Tobias's lips from touching his. Michael wrangles himself free, only to be met by his older brother. GOB, too, tightly hugs Michael, who again has to twist his head away, this time to prevent GOB from licking his eyes, wanting to "taste the happy." Tasting nothing, he calls Michael a "robot" and returns to the couch.

Michael notes, "So, I see that you didn't burn down the house while I was gone."

_GOB __**had**__ almost burned the house down. _

One week ago: GOB shows Steve Holt a magic trick, resulting in the couch catching on fire. He throws vodka from the minibar, only fueling the flames. Steve Holt beats down the fire with his letterman jacket while GOB pours $600 bottles of wine on the couch, putting out the fire and permanently staining the fabric.

"So," Michael comments, "I don't suppose any of you have gotten jobs."

Only Tobias answers, saying he's worked every day since Michael left. "I must be the most sought after extra in the GLA area district."

"Don't call it that," Michael notes. He notices Buster sitting quietly on the couch, "Hey, Buster, how have you been holding up with Mom in jail?"

Contently, Buster remarks, "Oh, Michael, I have been doing great. I have Lindsay acting as my adopted-sister-mother-figure and Uncle Father Oscar cares for me, too. He brings me brownies and I'm telling you, I have not had a single anxiety attack in the six months that you've been gone."

"I've been gone three weeks, Buster."

"Huh," Buster replies, rubbing his chin with his prosthetic hand.

Michael surveys the group, "Have you all been living here?"

Lindsay answered, "Well, I moved into your room. I didn't want to delay the inevitable."

"Not happening, Lindsay," Michael cut in.

Lindsay, not paying attention to Michael, continued, "Buster took my old bed. Maeby's still in her room. And GOB's been staying at Mom's."

"How's Maeby?" Michael asks with genuine interest.

No one in the room answers, nor seems to think that they are the one being asked.

_Maeby was doing well. She was working on the Bluth Family Documentary Project. It took a little bit of work to keep her parents oblivious. _

"Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. I'm off to school." Her parents nod and tell her have fun.

"Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. I'm going to be working late. At school, I mean. I have a tutor, you see. He's teaching me spelling." Her parents nod and tell her to work hard.

"Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. I'll be home late again. I have detention. I purposely scheduled the Conservative Baptist Society's meeting in the same room as the Atheist Belief Club." Her parents nod and congratulate her on her achievements.

"Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. I have to go to work at Tantamount Studios where I conned a job, got fired, and have been rehired because I'm producing a movie and/or television series about all the family's dirty secrets." Her parents nod and tell her to drive safe.

_Speaking of Maeby, George Michael got a warm welcome, too. _

George Michael walks into the room and Maeby leaps into his arms and tries to kiss him.

"Maeby, we can't do this. We may not be biological cousins, but we're still family."

"George Michael…" Maeby whined.

"Actually, I was just trying to stall to see if morals would hold out against my lust."

"And…?"

"My lust won before I even finished talking." He walks up to her and they start to make out on Maeby's bed.

Downstairs, Michael makes the comment, "Well, we're going to have to reorganize the sleeping arrangements."

"Oh, Michael, I've got _that_ taken care of. I went shopping."

"What a surprise," Michael quips, "I meant we need to discuss who is sleeping where."

"Not too difficult," Lindsay replies, "George Michael moves back into his old room. You move back into our room. See, no problems."

_There was this. _

George Michael and Maeby are making out on the lower bunk.

_And this._

"Lindsay," Michael states in his patronizing tone, "you're my sister. We're not sharing a bed."

"Fine, if you're going to be old-fashioned, I'll stay in my room until we get married."

"We're not getting married," Michael calls out to deaf ears.

Buster inhales with fright, "You're kicking me out? What if I have nightmares?"

Tobias leaps up from the couch, "No worries, Bluth family, I shall move in with GOB. We'll be like that classic 1969 television series _The Odd Couple_. I wonder who will be the Jack and who will be the Tony."

"I think that's kind of obvious," GOB answers. He turns to Buster and asks, "Your door locks, right?" Buster just nods.

_On the next episode of Arrested Development…_

_George, Sr. rethinks staying in Cabo… _

Two police officers are standing outside the Mexican model home, causing George, Sr. to flee out the back, wearing a sombrero. The police officers are there with a real estate agent.

…_and Lucille adapts to prison life._

"I'm having the time of my life," Lucille relates to Michael. A Hispanic woman by and hands Lucille a martini. She takes a sip and shakes her head. To the woman, she reminds, "No stirring."

* * *

A/N: I want to apologize to grammar nazis everywhere for writing this in the present tense. Ron Howard narrates in the present tense, and it sounds strange if I don't narrate the action like that, too.

This chapter was mainly to introduce where the characters are three weeks later. The overarching theme will be, of course, family meetings, or family members meeting each other. Anyway, I'll be casting all these stories.

Jason Bateman … Michael Bluth

Portia de Rossi … Lindsay Bluth

Will Arnett … GOB Bluth

Michael Cera … George Michael Bluth

Alia Shawkat … Maeby Fünke

Tony Hale … Buster Bluth

David Cross … Tobias Fünke

With Jeffrey Tambor … George Bluth, Sr. / Oscar Bluth

And Jessica Walter … Lucille Bluth

Special Guest Star

John Michael Higgins … Wayne Jarvis

Scott Baio … Bob Loblaw

Guest Starring

Justin Grant Wade … Steve Holt

John Beard … Juan Barbas

Jay Johnson … Office Taylor / Mexican Cop #1

Jerry Minor … Officer Carter / Mexican Cop #2

Charles Esten … FBI Agent Bardot


	2. Job Applications

Family Meetings: Chapter 2  
by Creedog VanDrey

Category: _Arrested Development_  
Genre: Humor  
Rating: T  
Language: English  
Summary: Michael interviews for a job.

A/N: This takes place after the series finale, so it spoils most of the events that occur then.

* * *

Job Applications

_This is the story of a wealthy family lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development._

_Michael Bluth is preparing for a job interview with Stan Sitwell. _

Michael is in the kitchen of the model home, tying his tie, while Lindsay, in her bathrobe and pajamas, hands him a plate of scrambled eggs and toast. "You know," she suggests, "I could put in a good word for you with Dad Two."

Michael frowns, "You know, Lindsay, I still find it weird that you call him that. I doubt Dad would approve."

"Well, Dad One's not here, is he?"

Michael replies, "It's not like he escaped."

_He did sort of escape. _

"Well, he did sort of escape. Look, he's just taking a little bit of a retirement vacation. The man needs a little relaxation."

Meanwhile in Ensenada, Mexico: George, Sr. is running away from several vicious dogs. He is cornered in a dark alleyway when, two stories above, a drug cartel war erupts and a kitsch Buddha statuette is knocked out the window to the ground below, shattering and releasing a cloud of white dust around the dogs, who immediately become more docile. George, Sr. immediately picks up the pieces of the statuette and thanks them.

Back at the model home, Lindsay sidles up to Michael, and purrs softly, "Remember, you've only got four more days to make me an honest woman or I sell my shares to Sitwell."

_Lindsay, after finding she would very soon be turning forty years, was desperate to remarry and had focused her energies on the nearest man who was both successful and handsome: her adoptive brother, Michael. _

"It would take more than a marriage to do that," Michael quips before explaining firmly, "Plus, Mom sold her shares when she sold the company. We are no longer the majority stockholders. And that's assuming Sitwell doesn't dissolve the Bluth Company."

_Stan Sitwell, the owner of the Bluth Company's rival, had purchased the company from Lucille. _

Michael continues, "The only reason I'm still imploring you not to sell is so that you have enough money to support yourself and your daughter."

"Whatever, I'm going shopping." Lindsay throws her purse over her shoulder and echoes, "Four days."

Michael calls after her, "Yes, I recall you telling me the same thing this morning when I woke up in bed with you." Scoffing, Michael turns back to the table, where his son, his niece, and his younger brother are all seated for breakfast, now staring at him with their mouths hanging open.

"She was playing a practical joke on me," Michael lamely explains, "You know what a joker she is." He takes a sip of coffee and walks into the kitchen for no reason.

"You know," Buster comments, "I wish she wouldn't abandon me in the middle of the night. Sometimes I have nightmares and I don't like not knowing where my mother figure is. Is you two sharing a bed going to become a regular thing?" Buster punctuated the thought with an intertwined fingers gesture that made Michael uncomfortable.

"No," he answers quickly, before kneeling down and whispering, "Until the end of the week, and by then she'll have a permanent place, okay?" He stands up straight and with forced brightness, asks, "So, what are you two kids up to today?"

George Michael finishes his orange juice and says he is going to work at the banana stand.

"That's my industrious boy."

"Well, I figured someone in this house should have a job," he answers, fully incapable of maintaining a neutral tone or straight face.

Michael glares at his son for a moment, which George Michael returns with his normal frightened grimace, which morphs into an uncomfortable smile. Michael smiles back and musses his son's hair, "You're such a teaser. I don't know how you put up with him, Maeby."

Maeby almost chokes on her toast, but recovers quickly, announcing, "I have summer school today."

"I didn't know you were in summer school. Your mom didn't say anything about it."

Maeby flatly asks, "When's the last time my mother brought me up in conversation?"

Shrugging and taking another sip of coffee, Michael parries, "Point."

"You don't want me to repeat the ninth grade, do you?"

"That's why you went to summer school last summer."

_Maeby had not attended summer school then either. _

Michael continues, "Shouldn't you be fulfilling the requirements for _tenth_ grade so you can be in the same grade as George Michael?"

After a pause, Maeby declares, "It's those darn hippie schools my mom sent me to. Because of all their inconsistent lessons, I have to take classes from half a dozen different grades. I think on the docket today is advanced algebra, European history, and coloring within the lines. Well, look at the time," she points to her bare wrist, "if I don't leave soon, I'm gonna be late."

Michael looks at the clock in the kitchen, which reads 9:37, but when he turns back both his son and niece were gone.

_Maeby, of course, was not heading to summer school today, but to Tantamount Studios, where she was involved with the scripting of a movie based on her life. _

Maeby, sitting in a writing room with a dozen writers, directors, and producers, exclaims, "Look, you're wasting your time spending twenty minutes in Boston. I'm telling you; all the good stuff happens in California. Quit worrying about the plot. I'm a very interesting person. You want to do this right; you got to focus on character." She looked around, "Where's Jeff with my Snapple?"

She strides around and is handled a headshot. Disgusted, she snaps, "Has this chick had a meal _in her life_? No, you want to play me, you gotta have boobs." She tosses the headshot onto the table, and without missing a beat adds, "Don't look at 'em. I'm 16."

Her cell phone rings and she answers it. "What do you mean we can't get him? This role was _made_ for him. It's the kid's on shtick. Geez, you do one Judd Apacow film and suddenly you're Tom Jane." She hung up and said to her coworkers, "Okay, guys, we've got a holdout for the romantic interest. Don't worry; he'll fold if I have to _bleep_ him myself." Maeby looks at her bare wrist again and declares, "Well, you've got seven more minutes with me before we start violating child labor laws. So what's the 411 on renting the _Queen Mary_?"

_Meanwhile, at Sitwell Enterprises, Michael's interview was going well. _

Stan Sitwell tells Michael, "We'd love to have you. I was interviewing some of the employees that we inherited in the Bluth acquisition, and I was really surprised that no one really stuck out to take the reins of that new division. In fact, it appears as if the Bluth Company was able to maintain a fine-tuned level of mediocrity in its hiring."

_George, Sr., in an effort to keep the family business in the family, dedicated all leadership-developing efforts to his son Michael, and filled the rest of the company with individuals with minimal talent as not to usurp his son. The lack of competent subordinates also permitted him and his family to steal company funds with complete impunity. _

"You know, Michael," Stan continues, "I feel a real connection here." Stan is wearing a wig that exactly mimics Michael's hairstyle.

"Well, thank you, Stan, I've always admired…"

Stan cut Michael off, "Please, Michael, you've got the job. No need to brown-hair me."

There is a knock at the conference room door and before Stan can answer it, Lindsay walks in, followed by a very insistent and harried receptionist trying to prevent Lindsay from interrupting.

"Nellie," Stan greets her, before correcting himself, "Lindsay. My apologies."

"Hi, Dad Two. Michael, fancy meeting you here!"

"I told you where I was going," Michael mutters.

"I told you he was meeting with Michael Bluth," the receptionist mutters at the same time, only to have Lindsay wave her away. "I'm so sorry, sir," she apologizes to Stan.

Stan waves her off, "No need, Basenji. I'll handle this. Lindsay, what can I do for you?"

"I was hoping to give a letter of recommendation for Michael."

Michael points out, "Lindsay, I've already…"

Stan stops him, "Michael, it's all right. I doubt she'll unwin you the job."

"Don't tempt fate," Michael comments.

Stan politely asks Lindsay to take a seat anywhere. She chooses to sit in Michael's lap with an arm around his shoulders. "My parents may have been corrupt businesspeople, but Michael was not. Michael worked his stellar ass off for the Bluth Company."

Michael points out, "Lindsay, don't want to cut you off, but this is not a _letter_ of recommendation."

"Well," Lindsay remarks with a patronizing tone, "It's not my fault no one is writing this down."

"Go on, Lindsay," Stan pleads.

"He _graduated_ college," Lindsay remarks with awe, and adds for emphasis, "_Graduated_. He's so smart. He knows _everything_ about the business." Michael actually smiles at the sincere compliments. Lindsay continues, "And he knows how to keep people working. He is a _slave driver_. Long hours. Saturday meetings. He can keep people under his thumb."

"Okay, Linds," Michael cuts off his sister, patting her on the leg, "I think you've helped enough today." Despite the hint, Lindsay remains relaxed in his lap.

"It's alright, Michael," Stan mentions, "we're quite aware of your deficiencies in building morale."

"Stan, I assure you," Michael replies, "I'm a fun guy. I know how to keep my folks motivated."

"All the same, Michael," Stan remarks charitably, "we will be creating a position within your division to brainstorm and implement various employee morale programs."

"Great idea, Dad Two," Lindsay comments, "I used to fill in as Michael's administrative assistant."

"For one day," Michael points out, "And you…"

"Oh, Michael," Lindsay jumps in, "No need to laud my accomplishments. I'm not the one interviewing for a job. Anyway, I took a role not unlike what you just described. I delegated responsibility; I relieved that feeling of pressure in the employees; I even installed new lighting and offered to take people out to lunch…"

Stan surveys Lindsay for a moment, "Lindsay, as long as you're here, would you like to interview for the position?"

Michael looks stunned. Lindsay looks honored, "Well, I could use the money. That's kind of why I came down here."

"I thought you came here to give a testimony of recommendation," points out Michael.

Playing with Michael's hair, she explains, "Well, it's just I maxed out my Visa and the only people who would ever give me money are sitting in this room."

"Michael," Stan states, "it sounds like Lindsay would like to interview for the position. I'm on a tight schedule and I do have a few minutes left in our interview time. So, unless there is anything you'd like to say about your sister, we'd like to get started."

"There is something I'd like to say," remarks Michael darkly, as Lindsay twists to face him, her face wracked with fear.

_Michael faced a dilemma: expose his sister's flaws and cost her the job, or help her get the job that would allow her to support herself. Michael knew that the Bluth always put one thing first. So Michael did. _

"I think she'd be great at the job."

_That thing was greed. _

Michael continues, staring at his sister, "Lindsay is a people person. She substituted for my secretary for a little while, and within moments of starting, she had half a dozen ideas for improving morale." He finally notes to Stan, "I think she's the perfect fit."

Michael pats Lindsay's waist, who finally hops off. With a hug and a kiss to the cheek, Lindsay thanks Michael and takes a seat at the table.

"Well," Michael noted optimistically as he leaves the room, "at least one of my siblings is working."

_Lindsay wasn't the only one of Michael's siblings that was working. GOB was currently performing a magic show for the U.S. Army, which the government gave him when they were unable to have him reinstated in the Magician's Alliance. _

Screaming over the blaring riffs of "The Final Coutndown," GOB proclaims, "I will now, for your enjoyment, reenact the brave exploits of the 300 soldiers which breached the Trojan Wall." Standing on an assembled stage on the beach, he gestures dramatically as a curtain falls, revealing a cement block wall. At the same time, his wrists fire out condoms, which spray the crowd of soldiers, who eagerly grab them. They're all printed with the message, "For the protection of your little soldiers."

Steve Holt brings out a seven-foot-tall wooden horse. GOB gets behind it and starts to push it toward the wall, eventually reaching a running pace, when he jumps in through the horse's behind, which seconds later smashes into the wall without any spectacle than a small chip of wood from the horse's muzzle landing on the stage.

A muffled "Dammit!" is heard from beneath the stage. Steve Holt pushes a button on a remote control, and the horse explodes spectacularly with a series of whistling red, white, and blue fireworks. The entire crowd immediately drops to the ground. Officers start barking orders and many of the soldiers pull out concealed weapons, which they start shooting at the cement wall.

_GOB forgot to factor in the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder when planning his show. _

Underneath the stage, GOB notes to himself, "Hmm, maybe I should leave out the 'Nazis bomb Pearl Harbor' illusion I was planning for the Navy veterans."

_Michael would have also objected to GOB sinking another yacht._

_Back at the model home, Michael and Lindsay were celebrating the jobs they'd just acquired. _

Michael pours Lindsay and himself glasses of champagne. "I have to tell you, Lindsay," he toasts, "this is an exciting day for me: my sister, earning a job. One day, when Maeby gets a full time job, you'll know how I feel."

_Maeby of course already had a full-time job. Though, due to her age, the studio had forced her to start taking tutoring sessions. _

Maeby plops down a stack of papers on George Michael's desk. George Michael, leafing through it, asks, "Is this homework?"

"Yeah, Tantamount put me back into school, and all my readers know what the curriculum looks like. I think you know what I want."

"Maeby, I don't think I should be doing your homework. It's not right, even if you pay me."

Maeby puts her hand on George Michael's shoulder, "I don't know where this confidence in coming from, but I think it's time to pull out the ol' baseball chart. I think I know what _you_ want." George Michael freezes at this request. "Go on," Maeby encourages. George Michael slowly reaches in between some books on his desk and pulls out a square diagram of a baseball field which is covered in pen marks and highlighter streaks. Maeby snatches it and looks at it pensively, holding a pen that she'd plucked from George Michael's hand. "It looks like we've exhausted everything in right field. We don't have the necessary equipment for that, that, or that," she remarks, tabbing the diagram in three spots. "You fainted last time we tried something out of left field, so… I think it's about time for you make it past the shortstop on a pop fly." George Michael's eyes become wide as saucers and he appears about ready to fall out of his chair. "Game starts at eleven," Maeby notes, winking.

_Downstairs, Michael was facing his own third base problem. _

Michael is sitting in the loveseat with Lindsay in his lap. On the kitchen counter are three empty bottles of champagne.

"Lindsay," Michael remarks drunkenly, "what are you doing?"

Equally inebriated, she replies, "Michael, I am _trying_ to convince you to marry me." She winks at him and he doesn't seem impressed. "Maybe if I had a Tara Reid moment." She fools around with the shoulder of her dress, before admitting defeat to lost coordination. "Well, maybe if I were wearing a different dress, but you know, I'll all ready for a nice Paris Hilton one." Shakily getting up from Michael's lap, she takes the hem of the dress, but Michael grabs her hands to still them.

"Lindsay, what do you expect to accomplish here? Let's say I succumb to your feminine wiles," he remarks, tripping over the words, "do you really think you could go through with… _it_?"

Lindsay pulls back to think about that.

_Lindsay decided she could not go through with it. The news of her adoption __**had**__ made it remarkably easy to act enticing around Michael, but leaving the door open while she showered or rubbing against him in the kitchen or spooning him in bed was not the same as overriding the Westermarck effect. _

Sighing, she asks, "Bunt to the pitcher, tag out at first base?"

Michael bargains, "Halfway to first base. I'm not that drunk." Getting up, he adds, "And I'd better not find you in the home dugout."

_Unfortunately, Lindsay was drunk enough to do that, though. _

A smile slowly grows on Lindsay's face.

_On the next episode of Arrested Development… _

_Tobias tries to gain the event coordinator job Michael promised him from Stan Sitwell…_

"So, my smooth-skinned, hopefully future boss-daddy, I would like to audition for the role of Events Coordinator." He hands Stan a headshot of himself dressed like a police officer attached to a resume.

Stan reads over the resume but responds sympathetically, "Look, Tobias, I wish I can help, but we've already a full-time events coordinator on staff." He hands Tobias a business card belonging to ICE.

Tobias frowns, "First my woman, then my spleen, then my job?!"

Stan, impressed, asks, "Have you ever considered work as an actor?"

A smile slowly grows on Tobias's face.

…_and Lucille experiences a religious conversation of her own._

Lucille is talking with a female prison advocate from the Church of the Good Shepherd. She incredulously repeats, "You mean that your adherents just _give_ you ten percent of their earnings? Gross or net?"

One week later: in the cafeteria, Lucille, wearing a cross made from toothbrushes, is given a few cigarettes from all the inmates around her, telling them each, "And God bless you… and you… and you," in a syrupy sweet voice.

* * *

A/N: I'm really plugging away to get to the actual family meetings that the series is named for, even though I have show plenty of meeting-ups of the family. (Clever, huh? Yeah, I know, a tad.)

Jason Bateman … Michael Bluth

Portia de Rossi … Lindsay Bluth

Will Arnett … GOB Bluth

Michael Cera … George Michael Bluth

Alia Shawkat … Maeby Fünke

Tony Hale … Buster Bluth

David Cross … Tobias Fünke

With Jeffrey Tambor … George Bluth, Sr.

And Jessica Walter … Lucille Bluth

Special Guest Star

Ed Begley, Jr. … Stan Sitwell

Guest Starring

Justin Grant Wade … Steve Holt

Nicole Randall Johnson … Basenji


	3. Courtship of Fools

Family Meetings: Chapter 3  
by Creedog VanDrey

Category: _Arrested Development__  
_Genre: Humor  
Rating: T  
Language: English  
Summary: Michael compromises his last moral, sort of. GOB meets one of his huge tiny mistakes.  
Spoilers: 2X14 "The Immaculate Election" through Season 3.

A/N: We're finally getting to the first family meeting.

* * *

Courtship of Fools

_This is the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development._

Michael is sleeping on his side; there is a woman's arm is wrapped around him. The arm belongs to Lindsay.

_This is Michael Bluth. Michael Bluth, like he has every morning for the past week, has woken up to find his adoptive sister in bed with him._

The alarm clock switches on, starting the radio. The announcer mentions, "…was Bill Haley and the Comets with their 1974 hit, 'Rock Around the Clock', and coming up next…"

Michael turns off the clock radio and rolls over to wake his sister, "Lindsay, time for work."

Michael sits up in bed and throws his feet over the side of the bed, only to be pulled back, straddled, and told, "This is your last chance."

_This was a position Michael had found himself in several times lately. Lindsay was threatening to sell her company stock if Michael refused to marry her. _

"Michael, if you don't agree to marry me by midnight tonight, I am walking over to Dad Two's house and selling him the stock.

_Lindsay was also in the process of being adopted by Stan Sitwell and had started referring to him as "Dad Two," George, Sr. being her "Dad One"_

Michael, looking a mix of bored and unimpressed, stating, "I wouldn't recommend that. Stan Sitwell arrives at the office every morning at 6:00 AM. He's probably sleeping at midnight." He grabs Lindsay's arms and rolls her off him.

"Like it rough, don't you?" Lindsay flirts.

"And stop that. We both know you couldn't go through with it."

_Michael was referring to Lindsay's habit lately of trying to seduce him. However, Lindsay, having been raised as Michael's twin sister, was subject to the Westermarck effect, where children living together in close proximity are desensitized to sexual attraction. _

"And, Lindsay, your threats are futile. The Bluth Company is now a subsidiary of the publicly traded Sitwell Enterprises. Your stock will be worth a lot more if you wait a couple of years to sell it. And, frankly, Lindsay, my reasons for making you keep that stock is so that you could support yourself and Maeby. Now that you're gainfully employed, you have my _permission_ to sell some of the stock and invest it elsewhere."

_Having Michael's permission to sell, Lindsay now had a strange desire not to. _

"Speaking of my paycheck, it's a lot smaller than Stan promised me. I ran the math."

_Lindsay did not run the math. Instead, she passed it on to her daughter Maeby to do. _

_Maeby did not run the math either. Instead, she passed it on to her cousin George Michael to do. _

"Lindsay, I know you've never received an honest paycheck, so let me explain some things. First, the state and federal government take about a third of your income for taxes. Also, since you were too lazy to set up your own direct deposit, I took the liberty of signing you up for insurance, retirement, and profit-sharing."

"It's not enough to live on!"

"Lindsay, it's about twice what most employees start out at. And you're not paying for a single necessity. Dad gave me this house and you live here rent free. I pay for all the utilities and food. You keep your entire paycheck to blow on clothes and whatever. It's a pretty sweet deal."

_Lindsay realized it was a sweet deal and decided not to argue lest she make the deal less sweet. _

Michael then admits, "But you're getting what you want anyway."

Surprised, Lindsay asks, "Wait. So you mean you're agreeing to marry me?"

Sighing regretfully, Michael explains, "Bob Loblaw called me yesterday. Apparently that silly clause that Mom put in the Bluth acquisition agreement that 'gave' you to Stan Sitwell was deemed legal." Michael finger-quotes the word _gave_. "It temporarily invalides your adoption until a custody hearing can been held."

"So we're not brother and sister anymore?" Lindsay concludes excitedly. She proceeds to leap into Michael's arms, knocking him back down into bed.

"Lindsay, calm down," Michael groans from beneath his once-sister, "All I did is schedule us to get a _domestic civil union_. It just creates a legal bond between us. It means you gain part ownership of the house; it protects your stock; and it also protects the custody of our children."

_The last one would not come up. _

Michael, still beneath Lindsay, points out, "Lindsay, we've got work. The civil union meeting is scheduled for eleven o'clock. Now that we're not related, we can take the carpool lane."

Lindsay leaps off Michael and races to the closet. When a pajama top hits him, he calls out, "Please don't dress in front of me."

_The afternoon, Michael had the family over for lunch._

Michael, Lindsay, GOB, Tobias, Buster, Maeby, and George Michael are gathered around the table, eating deli-style sandwiches on a fully-set table, with silverware and goblets filled with iced tea and soft drinks.

"Michael and I got married," Lindsay announces the instant everyone is seated. She is wearing a lily white pant suit.

George Michael and Maeby choke on their sandwiches.

"Don't call it that," Michael pleads, "Lindsay and I got a _domestic civil union_. It's for purely legal reasons." Hoping to drop the conversation, he asks, "I'm going to get us some chips." He gets up from the table, where GOB follows him.

In his breathy angry voice, he harasses Michael, "Our own sister? Have you no shame?"

"One, because of our mother, she's not our sister anymore, and two, it's just a _domestic civil union_."

"You didn't even _ask_ me to be your best man. Well, let's see how you like it when I hit on _your wife_."

"GOB, that doesn't even make any sense. And she's not my wife. And your face still hasn't healed from the last time you hit on her."

GOB touches the tender red marks on his face. "Well, I'm still going to have to insist on getting you're a stripper. Hey, I'll even have George Michael help me pick a good one out."

"GOB, no."

_The lunch went much the way many of the Bluths' meals did. GOB set two cloth napkins on fire. Tobias made several disturbing psychological theories as to why Lindsay was so attracted to Michael._

"Frankly, my dear, it's a classic case of displacement. You left one sweetheart of a man and go to another."

_Buster also had a few words to say about the marriage. _

"Well, I, for one, do not approve. I mean, I already have a father figure in my life. This marriage—"

"Domestic civil union," Michael corrects.

"—blurs the line of the family. Anyway, I'm off to the jail to visit Mom. Does anyone want me to give her a kiss from them?"

_It was a decently uneventful meal, which should have been the first sign that something was due to go amiss._

After lunch, Michael is collecting the dishes from the table, while in the kitchen, GOB is talking about the two strippers he will now be getting for Michael's bachelor party. The doorbell rings and Michael, thankful for to get away, answers it.

Standing in the doorway are GOB's ex-wife with an infant in a car seat and a taller brunette woman with glasses carrying a leather portfolio.

"I'm looking for Gobb?" Michael's former sister-in-law requests, mispronouncing his name.

"Kitchen," is all Michael can mutter, pointing through the foyer.

"Wish me luck," she requests from her friend, who gives her a European kiss on each cheek. As she passes Michael, she whispers as means of explanation, "She's Greek."

After a moment to recover, Michael introduces himself to admittedly pretty, 30-something woman in a business suit still standing patiently in the doorway.

"Hello, I'm Michael Bluth, GOB Bluth's younger brother."

The woman extends her hand, "I'm Sara Panayiotou. I'm GOB Bluth's ex-wife's lawyer."

"Lawyer?"

"Yes, as you may… as you probably guessed, we strongly be—we are fairly certain your brother GOB is the father of the child my client has brought with her. Should he claim that he's not the father, we're prepared to sue for paternity." She indicates the binder she's holding.

"Well, hopefully it won't come to that. Let's go see what the ex-happy couple is up to."

_As Michael and Sara entered the kitchen, they found that the ex-happy couple was up to third base._

GOB is lying across the counter with his ex-wife on top of him. His shirt is open, his hand is up her skirt, and they are French-kissing in a truly disgusting manner. The baby is sitting in his seat on the island, facing the pair, contently sucking on a small stuffed seal.

In unison, Michael and Sara clear their throats.

The two look up and separate. She is the first to apologize, "I'm sorry. That was so inappropriate on my part." While buttoning her shirt, she walks over to the baby and twirls the baby seat away so that it's facing the stove. "Better?"

"Good thinking," GOB compliments, "I know I'd be traumatized if I ever saw that."

Michael asks, "GOB, can I see you in the den for a second?"

Sara also notes, "Yes, I also need to speak with my client for a moment, too."

Michael drags his brother into the den, where he tells him off, "What do you think you're doing?"

"C'mon, Michael, _bleep_ing the nanny is like the ultimate fantasy."

"You've said the same this about the babysitter, the maid, the teacher, and the telemarketer. And that's not your kid's nanny. It's his mother."

GOB surveys the blond woman in the kitchen, who is similarly being rebuked by her lawyer, "Funny, I don't recognize her. Must have been a no-strings-attached one-night-stand."

"It's your ex-wife."

"I thought she was super-skinny."

"She just had a baby. And is in phenomenal shape for a recently-pregnant woman."

"Got those big cans, though," GOB notices appreciatively.

"It's called lac—Never mind. Listen, GOB, you see the other woman?"

"Nerd queen?"

Michael glares at his brother for the slight, but presses on, "That's her lawyer. She's here to sue you if you contest paternity. And she seems very competent. You understand?"

"Yeah, I understand. You like her."

"No, GOB, that's not my point. Listen, we're gonna go in there and we're gonna make sure that your son, okay?"

GOB answers dismissively, "I got this, Michael. Let's let the one of us with charisma handle this." GOB marches into the kitchen and declares vehemently, "I contest patriarchy!"

Sara celebrates with a fist pump and pulls out a stack of papers. "Sweet deal! I'll see you in court." She turns to her client and whispers, "Sorry, lifelong dream to say that."

Michael races into the room. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just a second. I think what my brother means to say is that we'd like a little bit more evidence besides your word that that child is really his son."

Sara grumbles for a moment, but acquiesces, "Okay, I kind of had this whole presentation prepared for the hearing, but I might as well present it here." She pulls out a birth certificate, "The child was born on December 4 of last year, one day short of 266 days after the dissolution of marriage of Party A, you," she indicates to GOB, "and you," she indicates to her client, "on March 14 of last year. 266 days, 38 weeks, or nine months." She pulls out another form, "This is a signed document claiming that my client did not engage in any sexual relations for at least a month before and after the aforementioned date of dissolution of marriage." She notices her client looking around sheepishly, so she amends dryly, "At least any kind that would result in pregnancy. I did petition for a DNA test, but that could take anywhere from thirteen to twenty-four weeks. We also have this computer-generated photograph predicting what the sixth-month-old male offspring of the two parties would look like."

She hands Michael the photograph of a baby, which has a note at the bottom, "Photo courtesy of 'Mommy What Will I Look Like' Photo Simulation Service; Re-Possessed by Greater Los Angeles Area (GLAA) District Municipal Government".

"It looks like a baby," Michael comments, unimpressed, before thoughtfully tilting the photo.

"Whoa," GOB giggles as he stands with his ex-wife admiring the child, "Mikey, you gotta check out the snout on this pup."

Michael heads over to take a look at his potential nephew. After a moment, he turned to Sara, returns the photo, and states assuredly, "Yeah, that's the Bluth nose. Consider us convinced until the DNA test goes through."

"Oh course it's my kid, Michael," GOB remarks, "I'm a man. I'm very voyeur."

"Really?" GOB's ex-wife asks, "'Cause I'm kind of okay with that."

"Well, that was rather easy," Sara notes, packing up her portfolio.

"Listen," Michael says warmly to his former sister-in-law, "we have a little traditional to introduce illegitimate children to the family. We have a family meeting. We'd love for you to join us. Are you free around six-thirty tomorrow?"

"She is," Sara answers for her client, "There is precedence for this kind of situation?"

_There was. _

November 2005:

The entire Bluth family is gathered in the model house's living room. Lucille is there, though George, Sr. is teleconferencing through his surrogate, Larry Mittleman. Michael stands before them with Steve Holt.

"Everyone, this Steve Holt. He goes to school with George Michael and Maeby. He's made a number of deliveries here over the years. And… he's GOB's son."

The family doesn't look the least bit surprised. Maeby, however, looks thoroughly embarrassed, exchanging glances with George Michael and giving his hand a tight squeeze before burying her fists in her lap. Lindsay also averts her eyes guiltily.

Lucille, a martini in one hand, dryly comments, "What happened? One of GOB's high school floozies fall through the cracks at Planned Parenthood?"

Michael tells Steve, "That would be your grandmother. Your cousins call her Gangy. Feel free to spend absolutely no time with her."

Lucille shoots Michael a challenging look, which Michael meets. Lucille shrugs casually and returns to sipping her martini.

"And that is your grandfather." He points to Larry, and adds, "Not the actual gentleman standing behind the couch. He's on the other end of the camera. We'll have to take you to the penthouse. He's under house arrest." He pauses for half a second then decides, "Or maybe we'll just get you a picture."

He moves on to his son and niece, "I'm sure you know George Michael and Maeby from school."

"George Michael!" Steve cheers with raised fists.

"Steve Holt," George Michael replies with little enthusiasm and half-raised fists.

"Maeby!" Steve cheers again with raised fists.

"Steve Holt," Maeby replies with little enthusiasm and half-raised fists.

Michael clears his throat and points to his sister, "That is your Aunt Lindsay; Maeby's mother."

"Mother?"

Maeby's eyes shoot open, before insisting, "Yes, _mother_." She makes a scissor-snipping gesture.

Steve's eyes light up in understanding, "Congratulations," he tells her.

"Thank you," Lindsay replies, neither knowing nor caring why she's just been applauded.

_Maeby had once told Steve Holt that her mother was actually her transsexual father. She was hoping that Steve would get the impression that Lindsay had… well, you know._

Michael then pointed to Tobias, who was sitting on the other couch, "That is your Uncle Tobias. Maeby's father."

"Yeah, he directed a play I was in once." Another realization hits him, "Oh, I get it now. They're _married_. But only in California," he concludes.

"_Married_ is right," Lindsay answers, using finger-quotes with the word _married_.

"Okay," Michael answers, not following. "And you've met your other uncle, Buster."

"Uncle Buster!"

Buster waves his hook and right hand, cheering, "Nephew Steve!" George Michael and Maeby practically slide off the couch to avoid his waving arms.

"Holy _bleep_," Steve curses, "I forgot about the hook. What happened?"

"A seal bit it off," Buster explained airily.

"Like the animal seal? The sea lion of the ocean?"

"We're just gonna go with 'yes'," Michael comments, patting his nephew on the back. He then claps his hands together, "Anyway, we've got a new addition to the family. Let's all make him feel welcome."

Steve hugs GOB and sits down on the ottoman to chat with some of his new family members.

Michael grabs his brother, "GOB, do me a favor, next time you give me another nephew, could you at least marry the woman?"

_Technically, GOB would fulfill that request. _

Present Day:

Michael says to Sara, "Yes, there is precedence."

_On the next episode of Arrested Development… _

_Lindsay negotiates for their honeymoon destination…_

"Puerto Vallarta. They have this _great_ three-week honeymoon special." She hands Michael a brochure, "And Cabo is on the way. We can stop by and see Dad and tell him the good news."

Michael hands her back the brochure, "Long weekend in San Diego. Four-star hotel. Separate beds."

"Deal, but it better have one _hell_ of a spa. And a Jacuzzi bath," she adds dreamily, pointing out, "I am leaving my honeymoon satisfied this time."

Michael pushes away his bowl of oatmeal, "Just for telling me that, I'm making you visit this butterfly garden I've always wanted to go to. It's run by Buddhist monks."

…_and George, Sr. is asked to reevaluate his recent religious conversion._

Zen Meditation Center and Butterfly Gardens, San Diego, California:

George, Sr. is wearing Buddhist _Bhikkhu_ robes and pacing through the butterfly gardens when a praying mantis lands on his arm, which he smashes. "Third _bleep_ing one today," he mutters.

An unhappy fellow monk comes by and takes him by the arm, "Oh, hey, glad someone's finally breaking their vow of silence. Listen, you guys have any other colors for these robes? It's just orange reminds me of a bad time in my life…"

* * *

A/N: One casting note I want to highlight: Sara, Wife of GOB's lawyer, would be played by Tina Fey. It's very important for the character.

Jason Bateman … Michael Bluth

Portia de Rossi … Lindsay Bluth

Will Arnett … GOB Bluth

Michael Cera … George Michael Bluth

Alia Shawkat … Maeby Fünke

Tony Hale … Buster Bluth

David Cross … Tobias Fünke

With Jeffrey Tambor … George Bluth, Sr.

And Jessica Walter … Lucille Bluth

Special Guest Star

Amy Poehler … Wife of GOB

Tina Fey … Sara Panayiotou

Guest Starring

Justin Grant Wade … Steve Holt


	4. Old Habits Try Hard

Family Meetings: Chapter 4  
by Creedog VanDrey

Category: _Arrested Development__  
_Genre: Humor  
Rating: T  
Language: English  
Summary: GOB's ex-wife introduces her son to the family.  
Spoilers: 2X14 "The Immaculate Election" through Season 3.

A/N: I don't know whether to apologize for or highlight the ballooning size of these chapters. My intention was just to add a little padding to the family meetings, but I never expected so much new material to emerge. I fully expected to reuse most of the jokes from my previous series.

* * *

Old Habits Try Hard

_This is the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development._

_Michael was preparing for his work day when he noticed something unusual._

Lindsay, wearing an apron over a maroon skirt and pink blouse, is in the kitchen, cooking.

"Lindsay, you're awake. And dressed."

Lindsay turns from her work and replies tiredly, "Yep. There's coffee. I had to make some. These early mornings are going to kill me yet."

Smiling, Michael comments, "Lindsay, I am so proud of you. I've had to drag you out of bed every morning all week and today you actually beat me up."

"Oh, I woke up at the same time. The walls are thin and that horrid golden oldies stuff you listen to could wake a coma patient."

"You slept in the twin room? Our first night as a married couple and we sleep in different rooms," Michael jokes.

"Hey, for the first month of our marriage, Tobias and I _only _slept in the same bed for the first night."

Michael walks up to the stove, where Lindsay is cooking sausage links. "Smells good."

"It's sausage, Michael. There's instructions right there on the box. Only an idiot could screw it up."

_Lindsay had been practicing cooking and had been through two boxes of breakfast meats before getting it right. _

Tuesday: Lindsay dumps charred sausage patties into the trash while the smoke detector goes off.

Wednesday: Lindsay dumps charred bacon strips into the trash while the smoke detector goes off.

"Smells good," Michael compliments.

"Yeah, it's turkey sausage. Healthier. And no pigs have to die."

"You do realize that turkeys don't shed the links, right?"

"Well, screw turkeys. They can _bleep_ my _bleep_."

"I think one tried once, didn't it?"

_In the late 70s, George, Sr. bought some farming properties, hoping to build a sprawling trailer park, which at the time was the fastest-growing area of the housing industry. He mistakenly thought this was because trailers were becoming popular rather than a result of the recession. _

1979: George, Sr. and the four Bluth children are herded out of the car onto a deserted farm. George, Sr. looks around in disgust. He kicks a poultry house, and a single turkey runs out, racing toward the children. Buster screams at the top of his lungs and manages to climb on top of the car, where GOB soon follows, putting himself behind Buster and offering him up to the charging turkey. Michael and Lindsay jet off in opposite directions and the turkey decides to follow Lindsay.

"And Mom really didn't help," Lindsay growled.

1979: Lucille, with Buster in her lap suckling on milk from a sippy cup, comments to a scratched up Lindsay, "Well, I'm sure the turkey was just trying to make friends. You two have so much in common. All day, it's just 'gobble, gobble, gobble.'" Lindsay, mortified, rushes out of the room. Michael complains to his mother. GOB just snickers.

Lindsay turns back to the sausages, and asks Michael, "Could you make sure the kids are awake?"

"And by 'the kids,' you mean our teenage children and Buster?"

"Yeah," Lindsay remarks in an obvious tone.

_Neither Buster nor Michael's and Lindsay's children could really be considered "kids." Buster was 33 and George Michael and Maeby… _

George Michael and Maeby are asleep, spooned together in the top bunk.

There is a distant footstep and George Michael awakes immediately and jumps down into the bottom bunk. Groggily, Maeby asks, "George Michael, what's wrong?"

"I heard my dad walking up the stairs."

"There's no way you could hear—"

Maeby is interrupted by a knocking on the door. "Hey, kids, can I come in?"

"Sure, Dad!" George Michael replies, his voice falsely high and cheerful, as he throws a comforter over him.

"Hey, you two up already? Well, it looks like everyone's waking with the sun. Listen, Aunt Lindsay's making breakfast, so hurry on down while it's hot."

"Sure, 'cause thinks are not hot in here," George Michael answers.

Michael furrows his brow.

"Dad," George Michael looks down at the sheets, "could I start doing the laundry? I want to do my part, you know?"

Michael smiles, "Sure, buddy; you know, you really are a responsible young man. See you downstairs. I gotta wake your Uncle Buster." As he leaves, he mentions to himself that he hopes Buster isn't wearing his hook.

"Why'd you volunteer for laundry?" Maeby asks, climbing down from the top bunk.

"Well, uh, I don't really know how else to explain the state of my sheets. Or why neither of us is wearing the pajamas we went to bed in."

"Oh," Maeby replies knowingly, "well, that's why you don't steal third on an infield hit to the shortstop. You get tagged out. Don't worry about it. Why do you think we have two beds?"

"I'm pretty sure that's because our parents don't expect us to be sleeping in the same one."

"Yeah, probably that." Maeby looks into the closet, asking, "Hey, have you seen my lilac suit?"

"You took it to work last Sunday. You were scheduled to interview with _Variety_ and they cancelled. Did you leave it in the car?"

"I must have. It's going to be wrinkled."

_It was wrinkled, but not because Maeby left it in the back of the car. _

Last Sunday: Maeby arrives at Balboa Towers in her car, talking on her cell phone. She grabs a garment bag without looking at it and takes it up to the empty penthouse.

"You mean Page is there _right now_? She's interested in the hockey script? I'll be right there." Maeby hangs up the phone and leaves the garment bag on the couch.

Later, Tobias walks in and unzips the bag. "Ooh, and it's in my color, too! Must be a present from my new roomie! I wonder what I should get him in return. Maybe one of those trick wands that go limp and stiff." Tobias mimics this with his finger.

_Tobias wore the suit to his next audition of a doomed _Partridge Family_ remake._

Maeby pulled out another suit, "I guess I'll have to wear the red one. Hope it doesn't send the wrong message."

"I like the red one."

"That's the wrong message that I'm trying not to send to _Ron Howard_."

_Ron Howard did not get the wrong impression. He is also married. Happily married. With four beautiful children. They take after his wife. _

Downstairs, the family is eating breakfast together.

"I'm so proud of this family," Michael states. The reactions from his family members show that he's said this out of the blue. "George Michael, you volunteered to help around the house by doing the laundry. Lindsay, I had my doubts when you volunteered to cook all our foods, but you've done spectacularly."

_Lindsay had been making the family breakfast every morning and packing edible lunches every day. However, after one failed attempt at dinner… _

Monday evening: Lindsay dumps a burnt-to-a-crisp lasagna into the trash and orders pizza.

…_she outsourced the dinners to local restaurants that offered delivery. Hoping to hide her mistakes, she presented all the dinners as her own by serving them on the house's flatware. _

Tuesday evening: Lindsay serves Chinese food on serving platters; the white boxes it came in are sitting visibly in the trash can.

_The family humored her. _

"So, Buster," Lindsay asks, "what are you doing today?"

"I have school."

Michael points out, "I thought your disability scholarship didn't kick in until the fall."

"Michael," Buster remarks dismissively, "I don't mean I'm _going to school_. _To learn_. I'm _teaching_ school," he states matter-of-factly.

"When did this happen?" Michael asks logically.

"Funny story actually."

_It was a funny story. Buster, after visiting his mother in prison, saw something he liked at the crosswalk. _

The day before: There is a beautiful red-headed woman waiting at the crosswalk as a Glinda's Foods truck drives through the intersection.

_Glinda's Foods distributed Buster's favorite brand of graham crackers, so Buster followed the truck to its ultimate destination: the Milford School. Being a true Milford man, Buster had no problem entering the school. _

Buster easily slips by the two resource officers and follows a sign pointing to the cafeteria. On his way there, he passes by the principal's office. The door opens suddenly, knocking off his prosthetic hand. The principal walks out and greets Buster enthusiastically, "Hey, are you the sub?"

"Uh, yes," Buster replies weakly.

"Great. Your classroom is right down the hall. Thanks for coming on such short notice."

_Buster had misunderstood the principal, thinking he'd asked if Buster was "The Stub," a nickname that GOB had taken to calling him. Buster had done so well with the children, that he'd been asked to continue substituting indefinitely. _

Buster, wearing his hook, screams out, "Why won't you all just do your fractions?!"

The frightened children comply.

_Michael prepared his family for the night's family meeting._

"Am I in trouble?" George Michael asks fearfully.

"No," Michael answers firmly.

"Did Uncle GOB impregnate another one?" Maeby guesses.

"Yes, but don't spoil the surprise for the rest of the family."

_That night, GOB introduced his family to his new son. _

"So, what's this little bastard's name anyway?" GOB asked as he held the child as arm's length. The entire Bluth clan was gathered in the model home living room, where a "Family Love Baby" banner is hanging on the wall.

"Gobby," the mother replied, not the least bit offended by the "bastard" remark.

Everyone in the room tilts their head, including Sara, who looked embarrassed for her client.

"You stuck on that?" GOB asks.

"Heck no. It sounds like a Harry Potter character. I just wanted to name him after you, and all I could remember was… 'Gobb'."

Michael steps in to explain, "Well, 'GOB' is short for George Oscar Bluth II."

"Hey, if I'd known that I woulda called him that. Is it legal to change a kid's name?"

Sara gets up and hands her a legal document, "Yes. Sign here." To Michael, she explains, "I've had that sitting in my binder for months." They share a smile.

"So," Michael asks, with obvious intention, "do you guys maybe want to give little GOB Jr. a godfather?"

GOB Jr.'s mother replies, "Oh, I named Judge Ping the godfather."

"The guy who processed your divorce?"

Sara explains, "Well, it turns out that GOB Jr. was conceived on the couch in his office, so it was either name him godfather or buy him a new leather sofa."

GOB pondered, "Did he not care about his desk?"

"I don't think he knew," GOB's ex-wife speculates.

"And what about…" GOB wonders further.

Sara states loudly, "Let's not push our luck. I could use something to drink."

"Right this way," Michael states, walking to the kitchen with Sara in tow.

"You have a lovely home," Sara comments as Michael hands her a soda.

"Thank you. It's Bluth-quality construction." He taps the wall and a cabinet panel falls off. "Bluth-quality construction is not very good. Sitwell Enterprises will actually be building more of these units and I'll move the family into a new one that actually up to building codes."

"Good to hear," Sara notes, awkwardly standing.

"You didn't come over just to compliment my home, did you?" Michael asks suavely.

"No," Sara admits sheepishly, blushing, "I came over to ask you not to let GOB be with his son alone."

"Oh, no," Michael replies, "GOB will never be alone with GOB Jr. We had another family meeting just to discuss that."

"And, um…" Sara struggles to put her thoughts into words, unconsciously making a hook with her finger.

"Buster is not allowed to be with him alone either. And not within ten feet _at all_ while wearing his hook. He knows he doesn't get his nightly juice box if he misbehaves."

"Good, you've put my mind at ease. About GOB Jr. at least."

"You know, Sara, not that I'm not thrilled you came, but you didn't actually have to. There were no legal issues to discuss."

"Oh, you misunderstand. She's not really _my_ client. The U.S. Army pays me to keep her out of trouble."

July 2004: GOB's ex-wife, in Army fatigues, points at a half-dressed Abu Gharib prisoner.

"That sounds like quite the Liz Lemon job."

Cue jazzy saxophone music.

Sara remarks, "I had more crazies to deal with at my last job."

Michael comments sympathetically, "Well, you've met my family. Trust me, I feel for you."

"Yeah, I didn't want to say anything, but my heart does go out to you."

Michael smiles warmly, "I appreciate that. Oh, advance warning; GOB may try sleep with you."

"Well, he'd be barking up the wrong tree. I'm Lesbian, if you understand my meaning."

Disheartened, Michael replies, "Yeah, I know what that means."

Sara asks, "Hey, uh, where's your restroom?"

Michael answers, "Um, back into the foyer, take a left."

"Thanks," she answers, getting up from the chair.

Lindsay plops down in Sara's seat and sing-songs, "Somebody's got a crush."

"Aw, is my wife jealous?"

"I think we'd be smart to have an open marriage. So, you like Sara?"

"She seems nice, but it turns out she's gay."

Lindsay rubs his shoulder, "Sorry." After a moment, she asks, "She's a lawyer, right? That's a well-paying job. So, is she single?"

Michael's expression turns to confusion. "Lindsay, you're not gay."

"I experimented in college."

"Once. When you were drunk. And later, when you were drunk again, you told me the truth: you freaked out halfway through and only did it to get guys."

"And it worked. I had guys lined up. Everyone went home happy."

"Except your roommate. She dropped out after first semester and became adult actress."

"That actually doesn't surprise me," Lindsay remarks. "I figured I'd give it a shot." She abruptly brings up, "You know that long lunch I took today?"

"Yeah, you left a quarter to twelve and didn't come back until 3:30. Then you left at four."

"It's Friday. Everyone coasts on Friday."

"It's Thursday. What did you do during your long lunch?"

"I participated in a protest."

"Lindsay," Michael growls.

"Hey, I was petitioning for better rights for people like us."

"Crazy former nouveau rich who frequently get in trouble with the law?"

"People with civil unions."

"I'm betting _they_ were all gay."

"I didn't pay attention, but it did seem like a lot of them were. And Ellen DeGeneres _was_ there. Maybe some of her gay rubbed off."

GOB pops up between them, "You were married to Nancy Drew over there for fifteen years." He indicates Tobias, who's wearing a wrinkled lilac pant suit.

"It was sixteen," Lindsay corrected.

"Seventeen," Maeby corrected drolly before walking into the kitchen.

"GOB, did you need something?" Michael asks.

"Well, not everyone was paying attention to me, and I just wanted to… fix that."

"You've got our attention now, GOB. Did you need to say something?"

"That's right!" GOB proclaims loudly, attracting everyone attention, "I do have something to say." He strides dramatically back into the living room, where he comes face to face with Steve Holt, holding his new baby brother in his arms. "Steve Holt, you are a bastard and there's nothing that can be done about that anymore. But I will not let the same happen to this little guy."

Steve Holt enthusiastically cheers, "Right on, Dad!" He raises his fist triumphantly in the air. GOB Jr. is now being held by one arm, so Maeby plucks the child out of Steve's arm and carries it to the couch with George Michael.

GOB then strides to his ex-wife, kneels down on one knee, takes her hand, and asks, "Will you…" He pauses for several seconds, trying to pull some bit of information out of thin air. He mouths, "Dammit" to himself and finishes aloud, "You wanna get married again?" he asks nonchalantly.

His ex-wife stares suspiciously at him for several seconds and abruptly starts screeching and jumping up and down. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Sara walks out of the bathroom at this point and walks over to Michael and Lindsay. "What happened?"

"GOB proposed," Michael answers.

"_Bleep_," Sara mutters, resigned.

_It was then that Michael realizes what he now thought was obvious. _

He looks at Sara, looking utterly devastated, as she watches her client leap into the arms of her new fiancé and start to kiss him in a truly disgusting manner.

_And that's how the family meeting became an impromptu engagement party. _

Tobias mentions, "You know, if I were not an actor, and still in psychology, I would have been delighted to get you two on the therapy couch for some nice couples analrapy sessions."

Giddily, GOB's new fiancée comments, "Aw, too bad, Dr. Funky, I would have been okay with that."

Michael sees George Michael and Maeby giggling in the corner and walks over to them. They separate when Michael appears.

"So, looks like there's going to be a new Mr. and Mrs. Bluth."

George Michael hiccups. "What are you talking about, Dad? Something didn't come in the mail, did it?"

In unison, George Michael and Maeby self-consciously brushed their bangs across their foreheads, highlighting the gold bands on their hands.

"Are you two wearing wedding rings?" Michael asks.

After a split second of looking dumbstruck, Maeby points out, "They're promise rings."

"Ann said we should get them," George Michael adds.

Michael frowns, "I didn't think you'd be too keen on Ann after the whole debacle with your Uncle GOB."

George Michael clenches his teeth and squeaks out, "I'm over it."

Maeby adds, "She's always preaching forgiveness." Maeby folds her hands demonstratively, "We didn't want to be hypocrites."

"Abstinence until marriage," George Michael cheered.

"Whoo-hoo!" Maeby cheered in agreement.

_The truth was that Maeby, who looked much older when she wore suits and tasteful makeup, had started to get takers to her common deflection, "Marry me." When she found herself unable to lie herself out of the situation, Maeby tried a new tactic: she told the truth and had begun stating she was married. To make this more believable, she and George Michael had purchased inexpensive wedding bands from the local discount store. _

Earlier that day: Maeby tells George Michael, "You do realize _I'm_ the one who has to deflect lecherous forty-somethings. Why did _you_ get a ring?"

"I wanted to support you."

_The two of them had forgotten to remove them once they got back to the model home for the family meeting. _

_George Michael and Maeby, ironically, were becoming less and less abstinent. This actually fulfilled the promise of their "promise" rings, as they were still legally married. _

Lindsay, tipsy, walks over and hands George Michael and Maeby two glasses of champagne. "It's just sparkling cider," she lies to Michael.

_Michael didn't believe her, but let the matter slide. _

Tapping his glass, Michael announces, "Well, I wanted to make a brief toast to the happy couple. There's not much I can say but… to the future and…"

"To the future!" GOB proclaims.

"Yeah, I guess we'll just leave it at that," Michael mutters.

Behind him, George Michael and Maeby clink their glasses together, and whisper, "To the future," to one another, sharing a secret smile.

_On the next episode of Arrested Development…_

_Michael gets something he's always wanted…_

"Look, Mikey," GOB states, "Dad's not here, so screw him. Unless he walks through that door in the next 30 seconds, you're my best man."

_...only to lose it…_

George, Sr. bursts in through the door moments later.

GOB turns to Michael apologetically, "Tough luck, bro." He turns away and races to his father, "Dad, guess what!"

_Lindsay returns to an old habit… _

That night, Lindsay drunkenly stumbles into Michael's room, where he's passed out in bed. She crawled under the covers and wraps herself around him.

_Tobias enjoys some alone time…_

Inside the penthouse, Tobias, wearing only a pair of cutoffs and Lucille's robe, is dancing around the apartment with a cosmopolitan in his hand, and singing "Me and My Baby" along with the stereo.

…_only to be interrupted…_

Oscar walks in. Tobias clenches closed his robe quickly.

"Hey, no," Oscar replies affably, "this is an open robe zone. Look, could I possibly stay here tonight? My trailer burned down, all the way to ashes." He is strangely calm about this.

"Well, sure, GOB moved in with his lady love, so you are more than welcome to take Mother Lucille's room." Tobias points with the hand he was holding his robe together with.

Oscar surveys his attire with a confused expression. "Say, do we have any turkey sausages?"

…_and Buster enjoys his nightly juice box._

Buster, with a grape juice box in his hand, crawls on top of the stair car's cab and then manages to pull himself onto the landing at the top of the stairs, singing "Me and My Baby" the whole way up.

* * *

A/N: This one was a riot to write. I really hope that the news renews the interest in this show, because there is just not enough AD fanfiction out there.

Jason Bateman … Michael Bluth

Portia de Rossi … Lindsay Bluth

Will Arnett … GOB Bluth

Michael Cera … George Michael Bluth

Alia Shawkat … Maeby Fünke

Tony Hale … Buster Bluth

David Cross … Tobias Fünke

With Jeffrey Tambor … George Bluth, Sr.

And Jessica Walter … Lucille Bluth

Special Guest Star

Amy Poehler … Wife of GOB

Tina Fey … Sara Panayiotou

Guest Starring

Justin Grant Wade … Steve Holt

John Rothman … Principal Milford

Jay Johnston … Resource Office #1

Jerry C. Minor … Resource Officer #2

Curtis Blanck … Young GOB

Somer Dice … Young Lindsay

Michael Bartel … Young Michael

John Aaron Tinero … Young Buster

Bryce Dallas Howard … Beautiful Redhead


End file.
